I’m so happy that you earthlings are so proud of the fact that you can write. Over time, you sapian-dudes figured out how to arrange 26 letters into sounds, then words. And with these words, you made the little thoughts that accompany you through your little lives. For most of your civilization, you tucked those modest thoughts into scrolls, notepads and books—out of sight and blissfully out of the minds of the more advanced space aliens that happen to be amongst you.
Then came T-shirt sayings masquerading as funny T-shirt quotes.
So what’s the deal with writing on cloth? And wearing that cloth? And making sure that your painfully —and I mean painfully!—banal sentiments blast their way into my highly advanced ocular arrangement? What did I do to deserve this?
Of course there is your earthlings’ frightening lack of self-awareness when it comes to T-shirts with sayings. I’m talking about the “I’m with stupid” T-Shirt. Yeah, I get it: just below the words “I’m with stupid” there is an arrow that points to the wearer’s left. And if there is a fellow earthling that happens to be standing there, that unfortunate being (by definition, since that being is an earthling) gets the assignation of “stupid.” Did it ever occur to the T-shirt wearer that his mental acumen is not all that tip-top? Why would you want to broadcast to the world that your companion is dimwitted? I mean, don’t you earthlings say that one is judged by the company he keeps?
Another deluded human transmits this gem to the streets of Earth: “…And if I did get smart with you, how would you know?” The operating word here is “if.” Apparently, my earthbound friend believes that there is a reasonable probability of smartness in his future. Frankly, I wouldn’t count on it. In addition, even though he has some doubt about a smart future, he feels the need to lower the intellectual potentiality of his companion. Are the dimwitted comforted by the even more dimwitted in their presence? Just asking.
Of course, I did encounter an earthling with a more realistic assessment of his mental state. Rather confidentially, he strode by wearing a T-shirt blaring “Do not disturb! I’m disturbed enough already.” I’m proud of that earthling; knowing one has a problem is the first step to recovery. Unfortunately, recovering from being an earthling is not very likely.
Here is an informal inventory of other “funny” quotes on T-shirts that I have seen that are presently searing my psyche:
- The world is a strange place. Let’s keep it that way!
- Sarcasm is just one free service we offer.
- Who’s Pete Sake?
- I can give a headache to an aspirin.
- I’m not 50. I’m $45.95.
- Keep staring. I may do a trick.
- There’s one in every crowd and I’m it.
- No one cares about your blog.
- I’m thin because I take myself lightly.
- I’m not as dumb as you look.
There is an untold number of other little clothbound bromides strutting around your planet. I still don’t understand why; I’ll just have to find a way to get used to it