As you can plainly see, I have antennae which are used for phone calls. Since all of my communications gear is organic, it is very efficient. And one of those biological elements is in charge of voicemail. The beauty of this system is that I just have to think up the telephone message and it becomes immediately set up, ready to be used.
My colleagues regularly “call me” antenna to antenna. We just have to think our calls. But sometimes I may not be in my head and I let my phone message greetings run:
“This is Zeno. I’m not in my head at the moment so the sheer genius of my observations will have to wait for later. You will have to call back because I simply don’t answer phone messages.”
Of course, dear earthling, you should not use such a message since you are not anywhere near my genius. Unfortunately, a species of your limitations has to return calls, so voicemail is quite necessary for you.
The first and most obvious thing to do is to state your phone number and to call back. It is rather impersonal; that’s why I like it:
“This is 555-5555. I can’t come to the phone right now, so please leave a message and I will call you back.”
How about being brief? A simple bark of a command might do:
Talk! (* beep*)
Go! (* beep*)
Speak! (* beep*)
Elucidate! (* beep*)
You’re probably not going to be so brief, but I sometimes yearn for such brevity when I encounter audio voicemail greetings such as these:
Thank you for calling Company X. We offer highly professional customer service throughout all our service centers located in North America, Europe and Southern Asia. Forbes Magazine has rated Company X #1 in service excellence and customer satisfaction. Every day we try and bring excellence to help you…
If you are a company, please don’t do this! Remember, telephone conversations go directly into my head and such incessant talk gives me a major migraine. Oh, I almost forgot the ever-so-annoying-enumerated-phone-message-greeting; here is one I used to use as my contribution to general annoyance:
If you want to hear Zeno’s superior wisdom, press 1.
If you want me to remind you of your earthling inferiority, press 2.
If you want to schedule a ride in my flying saucer, press 3.
If you want to complement Zeno, press 4.
If you want me to complement you, you have the wrong number.
O.K., what about phone message greetings you can use? Well, I’ve compiled some examples below. (I’ve used Walters’ first name because under no circumstances should I be mistaken as being helpful.)
I’m Robert. How can I help?
Hello, this is Robert. Thanks for calling. How can I help?
Good morning/afternoon/evening. How can I help you today?
Hello, you have reached the office of Robert Walters. I am currently out of the office. Please leave your name and telephone number and I will return your call as soon as I can. If you need immediate help, please contact Zeno or press zero to reach the operator. Thank you.
Hello. You have reached the Walters family. Leave a message and we’ll call you back.
Sorry, I’m not here at the moment. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
You have reached Robert Walters at 555-5555. Please leave a message after the tone.
Sorry to have missed you. Leave your message after the beep so I can get back in touch with you.
Glad you called! I’m tired of texting all the time. Please leave a message.
 That’s a completely different blog post.
 Or is it won’t’?
 Oh no you don’t!