From Business Clip Art to Retirement Clip Art

As I have pointed out before, I am a drawing, lovingly crafted for your entertainment and sheer awe. If you need me to run, I’ll run. If you need me to jump, I’ll jump if you need a condescending look lasered in on the professor after one of his less-than-insightful observations, I will gladly comply (very gladly, actually).

But clip art is another matter. Whether its business clip art, retirement clip art even baby shower clip art, there is nothing remarkable about them because they don’t have a branding campaign behind them. Generic I believe is the word. My relation with a clip art is strained, to say the least. To a superior entity such as me, clip art characters seem, well, needy. I cringe at those awkward moments when I encounter them at wine and cheese parties; you know, the ones that you imagine boffo-types like me attending. But perhaps from my standpoint as a “dynamic” drawing I can offer some help.

Business Clip Art

Business Man with ChartI like your earthling optimism. No holds barred! The sky is the limit! A lot of business clip art reflects this with graphs showing charts with an increase in sales that even the Apple iPad would have trouble keeping up with. But you gotta dream, right?

And of course there is also the ubiquitous (I love saying that word; almost worth the visit to earth) money bag with the dollar sign printed on it.

Business Clip Art

The clip art on the right shows a man carrying such a bag. I guess the reason it’s so big is because of all the money made from that aforementioned skyrocketing sales chart. Clip art my not rise to my social circles, but they certainly seem to be nailing it financially.

Retirement Clip Art

O.K., business is over, now on to retirement. There seems to be lots of pictures retirement parties, cakes for retirement parties and people attending their retirement parties:

Retirement Clip

I guess that’s when you need a flyer to send around the office to let everyone know that so-and-so is retiring. Apparently, what so-and-so will actually be doing in retirement doesn’t need any documentation. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

Retirement Clip Art

And signs. Lots of clip art with signs with arrows pointing to retirement as if “Retirement” was an actual place. Cute.

Baby Shower Clip Art

Baby Shower Clip ArtPink and blue. That seems to be the only colors used in baby shower clip art. That makes sense since those, from what I understand, are the official colors denoting female and male. Why this is the case remains a mystery. Some researchers performed a Google book search and determined this color association as long ago as the late 1880’s. Of course plaid, my favorite color, should be the color associated with boys.


Also there are those baby on board signs. Lots of baby on board clip arts in fact. I like the addition of the pacifier on this specimen:

Baby Shower Clip Art

So there you have a quick look at my clip art “colleagues.” Be nice to them when you use them: we all can’t be stars.

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Free Cartoon Images and Cartoon Clip Art: My Poor Cousins

They said a picture is worth a thousand words. So why is it such a thing as free cartoon clipart? In my opinion, it should cost at least two syndicated columns. I can’t get used to your crazy earthling economy.

Of course, I’m not free! Well, this blog may be free, but if you want to see me in full entertainment mode, it’ll cost ya. But it’s not as much as you think since there appears to be some interesting deals on Amazon.

OK, so you want some free cartoon images to grace your page. Well, since they are free and Walters is “careful with his money,” why not display a couple right here? After all, it’s the least I can do for my clip art poor relations. So I will charitably allow them some precious space on my very important blog (remember, it’s all about me ) and perhaps offer some of my well chosen and customarily brilliant comments.

Free Cartoon Clip Art Examples

Free Cartoon Images

In your world of reality, starfish do not smile. And what a sad world that must be. One of the fun things about being a cartoon is that there are all sorts of anthropomorphic (big word—think you can handle it?) features that are granted to non-humans such as this particularly cheerful (and well drawn—R.W.) starfish. Clearly this little guy is happy about something. Is it that he’s posing for a picture? Or maybe he sees a girl starfish? Too much dissolved oxygen perhaps? I’m afraid I’ll never now since he can’t talk. And what a shame because with such beautiful teeth, his plosives would have been crystal clear.

Now the next clip art sample really says something about you earthlings. It was like yesterday when I first saw the opposable thumb in action, yesterday being millions of years ago. About that time, hanginThumbs Upg fruit on trees made their evolutionary debut. It turns out those who had opposable thumbs were favored by evolutionary forces because they were more easily able to pick fruit off the trees.

So the origins of your opposable thumb concern stuffing your face with food.

I know this is tough to process; that which you’re most proud of is just another instrument for between meal snacking. Apparently all the things made possible by opposable thumbs (like tools and video games) are kind of a Darwinian afterthought.

And boy, are you proud of that thumb. So many civilizations (like the one containing my friend Ner0) had similar gestures where the thumb is isolated and the rest of the fingers are closed in a fist. It’s like you’re saying to everyone, “Look at me! I have an opposable thumb! Look how high I am on the evolutionary ladder!” Really, you earthlings are so transparent.

Cartoon Clip Art

Most of the time human beings are engaged in commerce so you can avoid that hunting and gathering thing you had to do a while back. So it isn’t unusual to have some clip art concerning business situations like the man in the suit on the left.

But wait, what’s with this man’s right hand? Yes, it’s the opposable thumb again. I was looking for any old business art and here out of the blue is another situation of another earthling proudly displaying that very same opposable thumb. There’s just no getting away from it.

So this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning free cartoon images. More cartoon clip art can found on the internet where I’m sure you’ll find each a good home.

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Funny Birthday Poems You’ll Enjoy

Poetry and space aliens don’t often go together. When you think of poems, earthlings think of Shelley, Keats and Longfellow, not diminutive funny little men with antennae growing out of their heads (and for the 100th time, I’m not green!). But like everything else, before you earthlings had that oh-so-precious opposable thumb of yours, we space aliens were busy crafting humorous birthday poems.

However, I did manage to come up with a poem and tried it out on my earthling host Professor Philip Jones:

FUnny Birthday Poems

You’re speechless, right? I know it takes getting used to, but basking in the glow of my superiority will become second nature to you in no time.

More Poems

It’s clear that there is a demand for some funny birthday poetry—funny to me! I get a mirthful chuckle every time I get the “superior to you” part. Just contemplating the unbridgeable gap between me and you earthlings brings a smile to my face. And you’ll certainly will enjoy them because you will you know how much laughter it brings me. Remember, it’s still all about me!

OK, without further ado, here are some more poems:

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
All things being said,
I’m superior to you!
Happy Birthday!

See how knowing how superior I am makes you want to have a happy birthday? Next one:

 Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Check out my blaster,
I’m superior to you!
Happy Birthday!

 You earthlings have demonstrated great interest in armaments over the millennia, so I thought you would appreciate a poetic weapon reference. More:

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
You call that a life?
I’m superior to you!
Happy Birthday!

 The truth hurts, right? So don’t shoot the messenger, especially since he has a blaster (see above). Onward:

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
So is the Earth
I’m superior to you!
Happy Birthday!

 I value education so this little geography lesson informing you the correct color of your planet was my pleasure. (Some pictures of Earth are called “blue marble”; glad to see earthlings understand your marble-sized significance in the cosmos.) Finally:

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I’m so cool and
So superior to you!
Happy Birthday!

Cool and superior; the yin and yang of Zeno…

I could of course go on, but I believe there is enough variety from the above masterpieces that will grace any birthday document. Yes, you’re welcome!

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[Object Error] Message from Webpage

In a rare moment of altruism (and I mean rare!), I thought I would help some of you earth creatures hopelessly tethered to your computers. Despite the fawning accounts of how your “incredible brain” works by breathless neurosurgeons, you still need your silicon pal around to get you through the day. It really is a dependency problem that you earthlings should think about more often. But I’m not an earthling psychiatrist so I won’t go there (even though I sort of did).

The [Object Error] dialog box

OK, back to the problem of solving that [Object Error] problem. What happens is that this annoying dialog box appears and stops you from browsing:

[Object Error] Message from Webpage

Annoying, yes? And what’s the deal with the square brackets. Was a programmer bored with plain old parentheses or something? And that title “Message from webpage.” That’s informative. But you didn’t come here for my snarky remarks about linguistic choices of software developers, did you? OK, on with it.

The solution to [Object Error]

I can only tell you what I did to stop the problem. Hopefully, your problem has the same cause. If not, hopefully the actions I took will give you some ideas while trouble shooting.

In my case, the cause was an Internet Explorer add-on. Add-ons are little programs that get attached to Internet Explorer. Toolbars are an example. My add-on that caused the [object error] was called Privacy Safeguard BHC which I believed to be some sort of marketing spyware.

The first thing you must do is bookmark the Internet web site page that makes the [object error] dialog box appear. Only a few web site pages do this so it is important to bookmark the page that brings on the [object error] dialog box.

To see if an add-on causes the [object error] dialog box to appear, you need to go into Internet Explorer (No-Add-ons) mode. If you are using Internet Explorer in No-Add-on mode and go to the bookmarked page that caused the problem and the [object error] dialog box does not appear, then the chances are good an add-on was causing the problem.

Here is how to do the No-Add-on thing straight from the horse’s mouth—Microsoft that is:

To use the InternetExplorer (No Add-ons) mode:

To do this, click Start, point to All Programs, point to Accessories, point to System Tools, and then click Internet Explorer (No Add-ons).

If this resolves the issue, follow these steps to isolate the browser add-on that is causing the issue:

1. Click Tools, and then click Internet Options.
2. Click the Programs tab, and then click Manage add-ons.
3. Click an add-on in the Name list, and then click Disable.
4. Repeat step 3 until you identify the add-on that is causing the issue.

I had to do one more additional step. I had to delete the program PrivacySafeguard BHO and you also may have to delete whatever program is causing your add-in problem. Here is Microsoft’s explanation about deleting unwanted programs:

To uninstall or change a program:

Open Programs and Features by clicking the Start button, clicking Control Panel, clicking Programs, and then clicking Programs and Features.

Select a program, and then click Uninstall. Some programs include the option to change or repair the program in addition to uninstalling it, but many simply offer the option to uninstall.

Hope this helped. Now back to my unrelenting commentary about my superior nature and the ever widening gap between me and you.

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Simple Art Projects for Adults

Simple Adult Art ProjectsYou want simple, eh? Simple art projects for simple earthling minds? Well here goes:

Pencil and paper.

You read right. Just a pencil and paper.

Now don’t denigrate the pencil. After all, that is how I came into being. My sublime form is first drawn in pencil and then later written over in ink. When the ink dries, the pencil is erased. So for me it serves a temporary purpose: mere growing pains as my form comes alive. But pencil drawings can be much more than guidelines for inking; they are in many cases profound works of art. And they make great art projects for adults although not necessarily easy art projects.

Pencil Lore

The pencil has an interesting history. The forerunner was the stylus which was used by Roman Empire scribes. In consisted of a thin metal rod that left a light mark mark on papyrus. The familiar pencil using the softer and darker graphite did not exist until graphite mines were built in the England during the mid-sixteenth century.

In the hands of an expert, the pencil can create extraordinary artwork. Mr. Walters, my creator, once took a drawing class from a very gifted artist. The class focused mainly on drawing in pencil, although charcoal and pastels were introduced during the tail end of the course.

As the class demonstrated, treatment of light is crucial when drawing. When the artist began a new drawing project for himself, he would select an outdoor scene to draw (often shores of rivers or lakes). He would spend the entire preceding day watching how the light would change. Only after he memorized how the gradations of light operated over a full day would he attempt to draw the next day. You may consider such attention to light as extreme, but the extraordinary results of his work justified his detailed study of light.

Some Advice

Since Walters personally wields a pencil, I’ll let you in some advice that I have found out the hard way since I often find myself beneath the tip of his pencil:

  • Remember you are drawing in reverse. It is the dark areas that you are drawing the heaviest and the light areas that you are drawing the lightest. When you are looking at your subject, note the area with the most light. This is the area on your drawing that you will leave blank indicating the brightest place of your subject
  • Don’t get in the habit of erasing. A lot of erasing will add irremovable grays that could ruin what you are drawing. As a remedy, try drawing with a pen on occasion. This will force you to not erase at all.
  • Make every line mean something. Your drawing will be more efficient and you can get out of the habit of erasing.
  • Use basic shapes as the basis for you drawing. As you add more detail, the shapes will fade into the background and your subject will take a more solid form.

So draw away, adult earthling. I’m sure you will come up with something. But don’t expect another Zeno to appear under you pencil since I am one of a kind.

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Cool Art Projects for Middle School

If you read my previous post, you would have seen that finger painting is all the rage amongst us moon inhabitants. Even some established adult artists use finger painting as the medium of choice for their artwork. But when I tried to entice middle school students, these arguments got me nowhere. They felt finger painting was for babies in spite of the fact that I haven’t been a baby for two billion years. (In fact, I might have been an egg; it’s a long and bitter debate amongst us moon individuals.)

So we need art projects for middle school kids who are far from being children and even farther from being adults (I just saw a middle school kid roll its eyes; my point proven).Cool art projects are needed that will deal with these kids. Unlike elementary school kids, middle school children are old enough to get a feel for all the various disciplines of art. Such disciplines include drawing, sculpture, painting, working in clay and graphic design. Students can select the discipline that they like the most and concentrate on that.

And since you earthlings think you are so technologically advanced (*snicker*), you can introduce the role of technology in the art world. Students can see how traditional art and computer art compare. Computer art projects can include self portraits, stop motion animation, package design, and comics. But you may wish to stick with the more traditional and tactile art forms since kids (and even space dudes) spend much too much time with computers.

Painting Activities for Kids

Because there are so many mediums to choose and since I got a blow back from middle school kids for suggesting finger painting, then why not stick a brush in the their hands and see how they like it. So let us take a look at water coloring, shall we? It’s a huge topic, but let me point out some things that may make this a candidate for a cool art project.

Watercolor has many positive features. It is a portable medium. It is correctable; I’m told you can even erase. Watercolor dries quickly and is ready in minutes. Water color is technique intensive so there is a lot to learn—great for the engaged middle school student.

Brushes are versatile. Flat brushes are good for wide strokes, wetting paper for backgrounds and “scalloped lines” which are wavy lines that alternate thick and thin. Round brushes are good for detail but can make larger strokes when more pressure is applied. Even the brush’s other end for round dots or to chisel off excess paint just before the project dries.

You can grip the brush in different ways. You can grip it like a stair railing where your thumb is next to the brush and your four fingers on the handle. This is good for wider strokes. Or you can hold the brush toward the end so more body movement is involved when making brush strokes.

I’ve only just scratched the surface (I’m so witty!) on this one, but I hope I piqued the interest of some middle school kid who wants to experiment. Maybe one day someone will make a watercolor picture of me and give me a break from my mundane pen and ink (and computer pixel) existence.


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Art Projects for Elementary Students

elementary art projectsSince I am a cartoon, I am an art project! Because I live the part, I should be up on what it takes to create an art project. I certainly don’t expect your elementary art projects to be as wondrous as the drawing the represents moi, but I will give you credit for trying.

First, earthling kids should be safe, so use non-toxic materials. Look, I can jump out of a spaceship 20,000 miles away from Earth and reenter the atmosphere with no problem—and no parachute. But you earthlings are surprisingly fragile, so be careful with the materials you choose.

Familiar Stuff

Speaking of materials, art projects for elementary students often use familiar objects from around the house. Here are just some examples:

        • Paper
        • Scissors
        • Glue
        • Popsicle sticks
        • Tongue depressors[1]
        • Pie plates
        • Yarn, string

From these, you can make some unusual things. For example, with pie plates and paper a child can make a Jelly Fish model that hangs from the ceiling and won’t sting you. (That once happened to my friend and colleague Drusus while he was scuba diving off the coast of Bermuda.) You can go here to see it in action.

Popsicle sticks, tongue depressors and glue are another big hit when doing elementary art projects. Those inclined to build things with blocks will particularly enjoy making popsicle stick buildings. Unlike the temporary worlds built with blocks, once done popsicle stick buildings will last. Just remember to put glue on both sides of the sticks to ensure that your creation doesn’t later fall apart.

Finger Painting

You know, there is nothing more fun than finger painting. We may be advanced beings, but it is something we do on the moon all the time. I know it’s hard to believe that creatures that can calculate contorted Einsteinian while brushing their teeth find joy in finger painting, but super geniuses need something to blow off steam with. My pal Zed, normally shy, becomes a wild man when he gets his hand full of non-toxic (remember safety…) paint.

So why finger paint? Finger painting is a great way for children to learn hand eye coordination. In fact all the senses are involved; even taste if you choose to use edible paints. The child’s mode of expression is completely unfiltered because of the abstract nature of the materials. Having your hands full of paint and moving them across the surface can’t help but stimulate creativity and imagination—something you earthlings really need to get better at.

And finger painting isn’t just for children. Even adults engage in it. Finger painting is probably the most direct way an artist can interact with his artwork. The artist Nick Benjamin says he “prefers to paint using fingers as the technique [which] results in a real bond between the artwork and artist and allows for some intricate blending not achievable with brushes”.

So you earthling elementary kids have some real options when it comes to making art. I just hope that Walters doesn’t start doing finger painting because I would look pretty awful as finger molded streaks across some canvas. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

[1] OK, if you are not a doctor you’ll probably have to buy some.

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National Debt Explained: A Trillion Debt Definition That You Can Understand

And that’s hard to do when dealing with you earthlings. Your elementary terrestrial minds simply can’t deal with large numbers. So when presented with debt in the trillions, your brain (ha!) freezes. In fact, my experience is that most earthlings are very poor at math. For example, how much is 2+2?

OK, you got lucky.

But still, I think you need to have the National Debt explained at you. And I’m not going to use those crazy national debt clocks either. If you can’t fathom what a trillion is, then watching a “clock” rolling into astronomical territory won’t do any good either

Numbers throughout cultures

Being on this rock for a while, I had the “privilege” of observing how all your earthling languages deal with numbers. It seems that all the languages have words for one, two and many. But when it comes to three, some of you earthlings don’t even have a word for it. That’s right. Some of you Earthlings get stuck at three. Not a promising sign for species, is it?

Also, various experiments show that there is a limit to how many objects you can put in short term memory. That number is looming at the not very impressive 7. And this is the same mind that is expected to deal with trillion-debt situations?

Trillion Debt Fun!

Let’s say we have 16.373 trillion dollar bills[1] magically lined up end to end (more on how they get lined up later). How far would it go? Well if those dollar bills were laid end to end, it would extend 1,586,651,199 and one half miles. That’s almost the distance from Earth to Uranus. But you earthlings don’t travel to Uranus regularly, so this may be as meaningless as a debt clock.

How about light? Well it would take about 2 hours and 19 minutes for light to travel a 16.3 trillion dollar row of dollars. That’s the time it would take to watch the movie The Man Who Fell to Earth or The Age of Innocence, a film my girlfriend Linda likes. But again, this is beyond human experience. People don’t viscerally feel how light works since it appears instantaneous to them. Let’s try another tactic.

Something Even an Earthling Can Understand

The problem with these thought experiments is that the theoretical bills magically appear all lined up in a row. But what kind of effort would it take to get them all lined up? Well, earthlings walk every day. In fact, humans still think it’s a big deal to have mastered the bipedal thing. Linda thinks this earthling “bipedal pride” is “cute.” I of course think no such thing.

So let’s imagine an earthling lining up his trillion dollar stash of dollar bills one after the other. This person would be walking at 3 miles an hour. He would never sleep or eat. He would be a dollar-lining-up-machine, hour after hour, day after day, placing one dollar bill after another. So how long would this take?

Try 60,333 years!

Sixty thousand years ago, civilization (ha again!) was 50,000 years in the future. Humans, although technically Homo sapiens, did not yet display any of the sentient qualities that make you so much fun at parties. No agriculture, no domesticated animals, no Facebook. Nada.

But I think I have failed again. For creatures who are counting the minutes to the next meal, 60,333 years is beyond their understanding. I’m afraid that you earthlings will never know the enormity of the debt you’ve created. But not knowing hasn’t stopped you guys before, has it?

[1] U.S. debt during mid-December, 2012.

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Monster Truck Games for Kids Were Inevitable

I am so ahead of the curve when it comes to you earthlings. I often predict things centuries before they happen. But I must admit in the case of those monster truck games for kids’ entertainment, I must tip my antennae to my old friend Nero.

Nero, for those who were texting during history class (or for those who were doing the prehistoric version of passing notes), was a Roman emperor. I found him to be a ruthless and autocratic ruler, in other words an all-around-nice-guy. He often dispensed just the sort of “tough love” that is often good for you earthlings. Anyway, we were talking about things in general when we had this memorable exchange:

Monster Truck Games for Kids

I do have a superior mind, but even I couldn’t believe that Nero’s vision would actually come to pass. But live and learn I always say. My old pal Nero had knew what makes you earthlings tick.

Now that we have established the reality of monster truck shows, there is the inevitable development of video games imitating the real thing. The minute you earthlings conceive of something you have to “virtualize it”, a creepy disease to be sure.

So, in honor of my old friend Nero, I decided to try one of those monster truck games for kids. Believe me, when you have a flying saucer monster trucks seem a bit tame. Nonetheless, in order to understand the obsessively destructive human mind, I thought a little time behind the controls of a computer would be worthwhile.

Monster Fun

I settled on the Hotwheels’ Monster Jam Destruction for my initiation into monster truckdom. First, I decided to choose my vehicle. Unfortunately, I am given only one choice for my mission of destruction. And an ungainly one at that. Your monster trucks are really quite clumsy things when compared to my sleek and elegant flying saucer.

OK, so I move on to the game. This is where it gets fun. I press the right arrow as hard as I can and away goes my virtual monster truck. I crash through mailboxes. I crash through orange construction barrels. I crash through golf carts. Virtual destruction at every turn! I would have destroyed even more if some inconsiderate person hadn’t park trailer trucks with 45 degree inclines that magically propel me up in the air. Even virtual earthlings are thoughtless!

But I soon realized that this was by design. By propelling my virtual monster truck up in the air, my destruction can occur on a different level. It seems destruction on the ground is not enough; destruction must take place in the air as well. And having a ground vehicle actually perform “air destruction” appears to be some sort of novelty for the human mind.

By using the space bar that makes you jump, I smashed into innocent blimps minding their own business. I briefly wondered: what is the virtual back-story of all those unseen virtual people on that blimp? Their virtual dreams? Their virtual hopes? Would one of those virtual people find a virtual cure for cancer in their virtual monster-truck-overridden universe? Then I stopped wondering and took out another blimp.

All in all, this is a good game that delivers monster truck fun. It’s easy to start and no doubt will offer more challenge at higher levels. So stay virtual; we don’t need any real monster trucks smashing into real blimps.

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Girlfriend gift ideas from One Who Really Knows

Girlfriend Gift IdeasI’ve been dating Linda for almost 2 billion years now so you can guess that I am an expert on girlfriend gift ideas. Frankly, while the Earth was very young, rocks and not very conversational microbes were the only games in town. So my sweetheart Linda got pet rocks—yes, the concept is that old!—for a billion years since I pretty much figured out that girlfriends don’t particularly find microbes romantic.

However, as you may have noticed, things are different now. Your planet Earth is now teeming with life and manufactured products from that aforementioned life. So gift ideas for girlfriend sensibilities have increased quite considerably. And to boot, I, a true outsider who has been shelling out gifts for billions of years, am in a unique position to give you truly useful info.

So my useful info is to go with the big two: flowers and/or jewelry, plus a third tactic. But in order to get the most out of your gift, I think you should know how earthlings react to these kinds of gifts. That way, you can deploy your gift—I mean give it (I’m so nerdy sometimes!) to your girlfriend with the best results.


Flowers that look like flowers (not icky algae like things) began appearing on Earth about 400 million years ago. And boy, did I see a difference when I began giving her flowers! It was a new kind of smile. Not the smile when she received my pet rocks where the mouth was smiling but not the eyes (I mean, who cares about eyes; it’s not their job to smile). It was a new kind of smile where the cheeks and eyes—I still don’t care about them—all lit up together. And she was still happy three days later. I never saw my girlfriend look so content.

What I experienced was proven out by the 2005 Haviland-Jones study. They gave a gift to participants in a study; either a decorative candle, a fruit basket or flowers. Overwhelmingly, the flowers brought about the biggest smiles and the longest lasting happiness. So don’t take my superior word for it; even your fellow earthling scientists, agree with me, such as they are.


I once thought jewelry was a fad gift idea. When I saw primitive people make and design ornaments for their women folk, I thought that this could not last. By the time earthlings become advanced—in your dreams!—or at least cognizant enough to do monster truck shows, they’ll stop this jewelry thing. But I was wrong: there is something deeper going on here.

I think the role of jewelry is to accent individuality. By wearing jewelry, your girlfriend is saying, “This is what sets me apart.” She wants to adorn herself in a unique way which makes her different from everyone else. So think what makes your girlfriend special and how a piece of jewel properly deployed (I’m such a geek!) will make her even more special.

Ask Her

How’s that for a gift idea? Actually ask her, but have her suggest many gifts. The more she mentions the better. From that pool of gifts, give her one or two. That should create some of that fun uncertainty when she opens your gift. (One caveat: I’ve noticed some female earthlings want you to “read their minds” concerning what they want. Since you don’t have antennae like I do, kindly remind her that you can’t. I’m sure once reminded of that fact, your girlfriend will cease making such requests.)

True Story

In my pet rock days, I asked Linda if she wanted granite, igneous rock, pebbles or sand­. Well, Linda was always a sport and would say, “Surprise me.” So when I later presented her my latest rock treasure, I was never disappointed by her look of shock. It warms my heart just thinking about it.

If you play your cards right, fellow male earthlings, you can get that look of shock too! So remember, flowers, jewelry or “ask her” are the gifts for girlfriend happiness. And ignore the microbes.

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