I’ve been dating Linda for almost 2 billion years now so you can guess that I am an expert on girlfriend gift ideas. Frankly, while the Earth was very young, rocks and not very conversational microbes were the only games in town. So my sweetheart Linda got pet rocks—yes, the concept is that old!—for a billion years since I pretty much figured out that girlfriends don’t particularly find microbes romantic.
However, as you may have noticed, things are different now. Your planet Earth is now teeming with life and manufactured products from that aforementioned life. So gift ideas for girlfriend sensibilities have increased quite considerably. And to boot, I, a true outsider who has been shelling out gifts for billions of years, am in a unique position to give you truly useful info.
So my useful info is to go with the big two: flowers and/or jewelry, plus a third tactic. But in order to get the most out of your gift, I think you should know how earthlings react to these kinds of gifts. That way, you can deploy your gift—I mean give it (I’m so nerdy sometimes!) to your girlfriend with the best results.
Flowers that look like flowers (not icky algae like things) began appearing on Earth about 400 million years ago. And boy, did I see a difference when I began giving her flowers! It was a new kind of smile. Not the smile when she received my pet rocks where the mouth was smiling but not the eyes (I mean, who cares about eyes; it’s not their job to smile). It was a new kind of smile where the cheeks and eyes—I still don’t care about them—all lit up together. And she was still happy three days later. I never saw my girlfriend look so content.
What I experienced was proven out by the 2005 Haviland-Jones study. They gave a gift to participants in a study; either a decorative candle, a fruit basket or flowers. Overwhelmingly, the flowers brought about the biggest smiles and the longest lasting happiness. So don’t take my superior word for it; even your fellow earthling scientists, agree with me, such as they are.
I once thought jewelry was a fad gift idea. When I saw primitive people make and design ornaments for their women folk, I thought that this could not last. By the time earthlings become advanced—in your dreams!—or at least cognizant enough to do monster truck shows, they’ll stop this jewelry thing. But I was wrong: there is something deeper going on here.
I think the role of jewelry is to accent individuality. By wearing jewelry, your girlfriend is saying, “This is what sets me apart.” She wants to adorn herself in a unique way which makes her different from everyone else. So think what makes your girlfriend special and how a piece of jewel properly deployed (I’m such a geek!) will make her even more special.
How’s that for a gift idea? Actually ask her, but have her suggest many gifts. The more she mentions the better. From that pool of gifts, give her one or two. That should create some of that fun uncertainty when she opens your gift. (One caveat: I’ve noticed some female earthlings want you to “read their minds” concerning what they want. Since you don’t have antennae like I do, kindly remind her that you can’t. I’m sure once reminded of that fact, your girlfriend will cease making such requests.)
In my pet rock days, I asked Linda if she wanted granite, igneous rock, pebbles or sand. Well, Linda was always a sport and would say, “Surprise me.” So when I later presented her my latest rock treasure, I was never disappointed by her look of shock. It warms my heart just thinking about it.
If you play your cards right, fellow male earthlings, you can get that look of shock too! So remember, flowers, jewelry or “ask her” are the gifts for girlfriend happiness. And ignore the microbes.