Funny Birthday Wishes for Friends

I don’t have friends: I have colleagues. Possessing a superior mind is a by definition a lonely existence. I mean, who can understand what I am going through since I function at a much higher level than everyone else? (And that of course means you, dear reader.) But I will try and walk another light year in someone else’s shoes to see why anyone would want to compose humorous birthday wishes.

Now from what I understand, the concept of a birthday wish is that if you successfully blow out all the candles on your birthday cake, your wish will come true. Isn’t that what you earthling psychologists consider “magical thinking?” Or am I missing some incredibly cause and effect that you earthlings have put together that is somehow eluding my aforementioned superior mind? For example, by blowing out all the candles on your birthday cake, you change the air pressure in the room,

which in turn changes the air pressure outside,
which in turn cascades into a healthy gust,
which in turn blows the papers off  your boss’s patio table 5 miles away,
which in turn the papers land on your boss’s lap,
which in turn the top paper happens to be your latest proposal,
which in turn is seen by your boss,

which in turn inspires your boss to give you a raise,

which in turn happened to be your birthday wish.

I don’t mean to be insulting (O.K., I really do mean to be insulting), but you earthlings really couldn’t put something like that together. Magical thinking it is.

And another thing, you’re not supposed to tell anybody or the wish doesn’t come true. I don’t get that not telling anyone bit; will the knowledge of the contents of your wish interfere with it coming true? In the above example, would other people in the room knowing your wish prevent the necessary air pressure to do its “magic.”? Again, earthling ludicrousness.

“Hilarious” Birthday Wishes

So if you earthlings are mum about birthday wishes, how is anyone supposed to know the types of things people wish for? We really don’t. If I had to guess, it’s the usual family-work-money thing that earthlings obsess about. If people had any sense, they would wish for more important things (like I would) such as wishing that no more asteroids would hit earth (I miss those down-to-earth dinosaurs) or that the speed of light would be just a little bit faster. But that’s just me.

But the funny birthday wishes I can report are those that I’ve seen hurled at birthday celebrants as they prepared to blow out the candles on their cake:

If you’re smart, you’ll wish for more wishes.

Be careful what you wish for: it may come true.

A lighter? We’re going to need a flamethrower to light up your candles.

You better blow out all those candles before the sprinkler system gets going.

The more candles, the bigger the wish.

Don’t blow out the candles yet. The gentle glow takes years off your looks!

Better blow out those candles before you forget why you’re here.

So use these at your own discretion, but please leave my name out of it. I find it weird that people take pleasure in pointing out the cruel effects of time during a time of celebration. Such “funny” happy birthday wishes are a human thing which I’m still struggling to understand.


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