As I may have mentioned before, I am two billion years old. I remember visiting your planet ‘bout a billion years ago when the only earthlings in existence were little single cells. How much more tolerable you earthlings were back then, single cells swimming around, happy as can be. Who knew that when you developed into the multi-cellular “miracles” that you are today that you would grace the universe with reality TV and monster truck shows. I mean, who knew?
This brings me to an uncomfortable observation. No, actually I’m quite comfortable. So this brings me to a simple observation: I get to be two billion years old; you are lucky if you see 100. Because of this fact, I decided to thoughtfully take this into account when I presented the Prof with a birthday card:
Sometimes I am really nice!
Now since each year brings you at least 1% closer to your demise, a certain nervousness seems to pervade your earthling birthday celebrations. And that’s why I think you earthlings should attempt to make your birthday cards funny.
But of course the operative word here is “attempt.” You would think that a funny birthday card would be something to put your fellow earthling in a good mood. But from what I observed, these “humorous” birthday cards are just cruel. And since it’s my role to say cruel things to earthlings, I don’t want anyone elbowing their way into on my territory.
One example of the many happy birthday card messages I found reads:
We wanted to bake you a cake with birthday candles on it. But there were so many, that it burned the ceiling!
So what this nice little greeting is really saying is:
You’re going to die soon. And by the way, you have to make an unexpected expenditure to paint the ceiling. Happy Birthday!
You’re not really old until you put a remote control to your ear and wait for a dial tone.
I’m over 2 billion years old and I have also been waiting for a dial tone from one of those remote controls for years. This I don’t get.
But another birthday card I do understand only too well. It shows a toothless man holding his false teeth in one hand and a slice of a delicious cake in the other whilst declaring that one can “brush your teeth and have your cake too.” So apparently multitasking is a plus when your biological earthling containers (such as they are!) start to fall apart. Is it the purpose of this “funny” birthday card to highlight the inevitable physical decline of your friend’s body just as he gets ready to celebrate?
Sometimes I just don’t know about you earthlings. Birthdays are a vulnerable time and yet some of you pick those nasty birthday cards to send you to your friends! Instead, pick nicer birthday cards and really enjoy your birthday celebrations. Since you earthlings are all multi-celled now, I think you can handle that.