Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
— C. S. Lewis
“You can’t trust anyone over thirty.” We’ve all heard that one, right? So if this is true, the age of 30 is the final demographic that can be trusted. Just add a year and it is prevarication city. (If you don’t know what prevarication means, that’s your problem—this isn’t my language!)
I found a rather earnest level of anxiety throughout birthday cards for 30-year-olds. Apparently, it’s highly desirable to be in one’s 20s. I’ve noticed a constant theme where there is trauma as one turns from 29 to 30. This seems ludicrous to me. We two-billion-old space dudes were barely newborns when at thirty. To me, thirty seems blissfully young.
Anyway, although it is all about me, I will devote some “Zeno time” toward 30-year-olds. So here is what some 3oth birthday cards are saying:
Here’s to me, 30 and still sexy.
I’ll be thirty when I feel like it.
Here’s to turning thirty!
I’m not 30… I’m 29 2.0.
What happens on my 30th birthday party stays a secret (at least until we recover).
Now that I’m thirty, I take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
You’re 30 today? You don’t look any older than you did yesterday.
If any card proves my point about leaving the youthful 20s, it is this card. Sure you may be 30 and have left your friends behind age-wise, but you certainly don’t look like you left your 20s. A nice sentiment, but I’m afraid groundhogs are not known for really knowing what they are talking about. As of this writing, your most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, only has an accuracy rate of 39% when predicting the weather. But if you are giving this card, you don’t need to mention this.
Another Birthday?! If you were a dog, you would be rrrough-ly 133 years old!
Here is another variant on age anxiety. After all, since this dog is well into his 100s in dog years, you, the mere 30 year old, should have the verve of a puppy. Actually, I could do the same thing. Since I am well past my 2 billion mark, I could make you feel really great by tediously droning through all the geological ages I have lived through. Compared to a relic like me that was already pretty old during the Jurassic era, you would feel like a teenager again.
But of course I will do no such thing.
I like this one. It is a variant of the Keep Calm and Carry On poster that was used in 1939 when Britain entered the Second World War. And frankly, what else can you do.? Time’s arrow pushes us forward whether we like it or not. But remember, life has many adventures yet to offer that only those untrustworthy people over thirty can handle.
 Shows a drunk man. Still thinking like 21-year-old birthday cards?