21st Birthday Cards Reviewed

The twenty-first birthday seems to be quite an event. In fact, a certain molecule is now very important to these young earthling adults:


Recognize it Mr. 21 year old? It is now legal for you to place significant quantities of this substance in your body. In fact, your zeal for absorbing millions of these molecules is so great that some of it will be violently expelled. So what is it?


And what an odd craving it is. Let me be frank with you earthlings: your perspicuity as a species has a lot to be desired. The imbibing of huge quantities of the aforementioned molecule is not at all helpful. It’s almost as if you earthlings want to get more, well, stupid. Now that can’t possibly be true, could it?

As a family cartoon character, I urge moderation when using this substance. You will thank me later as you prevent yourself from being involved in awkward and embarrassing social situations—or the more embarrassing situation of being part of some twisted wreckage from a violent automobile accident. You’re welcome.

The Cards

OK, now for some 21st birthday cards that I’ve encountered. 21st Birthday CardLet me start with one that baffles me:

Now that you’re 21, remember the cake gets lit, not you.

So people who are 21 do not have the optical and cognitive skills to differentiate between a candle and a human? The educational system is really falling apart on your planet. Even worse, imagine if I encounter a match bearing 21-year-old. If you recall, growing out of my head are antennae that could easily be mistaken as candles just waiting to be lit. So perhaps the birthday card company can issue a card saying:

Now that you’re 21, remember the cake gets lit, not Zeno.

ZebraI like this card on the left because I like Zebras. Also reminds me of a joke:

Q: What did the earthling name his pet zebra?
A: Spot!

21-year-old birthday card

You’re 21, don’t forget your key!

So apparently this card recipient spent many years as a latch key kid, letting himself into the house after school while his parents were still at work. Now during his 21st birthday celebration, he is embarrassingly reminded of a constant failing that plagued his childhood. I say good: cards like this only makes my job of pointing out earthling faults easier.

21 year old birthday card

The inside flap of the above card reads:

…but did anyway! Happy Birthday!

Ah, the joy of defying authority. Because you earthlings are hierarchical obsessives, you must always be jockeying for power. And that means messing with people you think have an edge over you. Well my dear earthling, enjoy the revolution now because one day you are certain to be some space alien’s happy meal in the future. Just ask Stephen Hawking.

That’s it for now. Next post we deal with the 30-year-olds. See you then.

[1] Actually Ethanol. But that’s the stuff put in alcoholic drinks.

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