## National Debt Explained: A Trillion Debt Definition That You Can Understand

And that’s hard to do when dealing with you earthlings. Your elementary terrestrial minds simply can’t deal with large numbers. So when presented with debt in the trillions, your brain (ha!) freezes. In fact, my experience is that most earthlings are very poor at math. For example, how much is 2+2?

OK, you got lucky.

But still, I think you need to have the National Debt explained at you. And I’m not going to use those crazy national debt clocks either. If you can’t fathom what a trillion is, then watching a “clock” rolling into astronomical territory won’t do any good either

# Numbers throughout cultures

Being on this rock for a while, I had the “privilege” of observing how all your earthling languages deal with numbers. It seems that all the languages have words for one, two and many. But when it comes to three, some of you earthlings don’t even have a word for it. That’s right. Some of you Earthlings get stuck at three. Not a promising sign for species, is it?

Also, various experiments show that there is a limit to how many objects you can put in short term memory. That number is looming at the not very impressive 7. And this is the same mind that is expected to deal with trillion-debt situations?

# Trillion Debt Fun!

Let’s say we have 16.373 trillion dollar bills[1] magically lined up end to end (more on how they get lined up later). How far would it go? Well if those dollar bills were laid end to end, it would extend 1,586,651,199 and one half miles. That’s almost the distance from Earth to Uranus. But you earthlings don’t travel to Uranus regularly, so this may be as meaningless as a debt clock.

How about light? Well it would take about 2 hours and 19 minutes for light to travel a 16.3 trillion dollar row of dollars. That’s the time it would take to watch the movie The Man Who Fell to Earth or The Age of Innocence, a film my girlfriend Linda likes. But again, this is beyond human experience. People don’t viscerally feel how light works since it appears instantaneous to them. Let’s try another tactic.

Something Even an Earthling Can Understand

The problem with these thought experiments is that the theoretical bills magically appear all lined up in a row. But what kind of effort would it take to get them all lined up? Well, earthlings walk every day. In fact, humans still think it’s a big deal to have mastered the bipedal thing. Linda thinks this earthling “bipedal pride” is “cute.” I of course think no such thing.

So let’s imagine an earthling lining up his trillion dollar stash of dollar bills one after the other. This person would be walking at 3 miles an hour. He would never sleep or eat. He would be a dollar-lining-up-machine, hour after hour, day after day, placing one dollar bill after another. So how long would this take?

Try 60,333 years!

Sixty thousand years ago, civilization (ha again!) was 50,000 years in the future. Humans, although technically Homo sapiens, did not yet display any of the sentient qualities that make you so much fun at parties. No agriculture, no domesticated animals, no Facebook. Nada.

But I think I have failed again. For creatures who are counting the minutes to the next meal, 60,333 years is beyond their understanding. I’m afraid that you earthlings will never know the enormity of the debt you’ve created. But not knowing hasn’t stopped you guys before, has it?

[1] U.S. debt during mid-December, 2012.

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## Answering machine voice messages for today

Ah, the answering machine: what a delightfully quaint device for one’s greetings. I remember how amazed you earthlings were when they first came out. “Just think,” you collectively said, “we don’t have to interrupt our precious TV viewing[1]. We can let a machine answer the phone for us!”

And in that machine was a cassette bearing answering phone messages. You earthlings were so excited about the cassette. You used to watch the little spools turn round and round as it produced vibrations in your nitrogen rich atmosphere. Linda thought you earthlings looked cute in that transfixed state. I often disagree with Linda.

On that beloved cassette, you placed your oh-so-clever-and-witty greeting. And they went on forever! At first, you didn’t realize the person on the other end of the phone was anxious to get on with his message. Eventually you all got the hint and made your message machine greetings short, but it took a while. Slow learners, you earthlings.

Probably the most famous answering machine in the solar system was the one used at the beginning of TV show, The Rockford Files (a big hit on the moon). Each episode began with a different response left for the ever vigilant private eye. Here are some examples:

I staked out that guy only it didn’t work out like you said. Please call me. Room 234. County Hospital.”

It’s Norma at the market. It bounced. You want me to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?

This is Dr. Souter’s office again, regarding that root canal. The doctor is in his office…waiting. He’s beginning to dislike you.”

This is Shirley at the bank. The answers are: no, no, and yes. No, we won’t loan you money. No, we won’t accept any co-signers; and yes, your account’s overdrawn. I get off at 4:30.”

This is Toby. I forgot what I was calling for. Your recording is so boring. Spike it with some humor, some personality. Something.

## The Greetings

So what kind of voicemail should you leave four and answering machine? Well, I’ve already mentioned some here. But here are a few funny ones that I found geared especially for the clunky machinery of the answering machine:

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

More examples can be found on this webpage. And don’t forget, it’s still all about me.

[1] And these were the less inane TV shows. Remember? Before the new low bar of Reality TV?

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## Phone Message Greetings You May Like

As you can plainly see, I have antennae which are used for phone calls. Since all of my communications gear is organic, it is very efficient. And one of those biological elements is in charge of voicemail. The beauty of this system is that I just have to think up the telephone message and it becomes immediately set up, ready to be used.

My colleagues regularly “call me” antenna to antenna. We just have to think our calls. But sometimes I may not be in my head[1] and I let my phone message greetings run:

“This is Zeno. I’m not in my head at the moment so the sheer genius of my observations will have to wait for later. You will have to call back because I simply don’t answer phone messages.”

Of course, dear earthling, you should not use such a message since you are not anywhere near my genius. Unfortunately, a species of your limitations has to return calls, so voicemail is quite necessary for you.

The first and most obvious thing to do is to state your phone number and to call back. It is rather impersonal; that’s why I like it:

How about being brief? A simple bark of a command might do:

Talk! (* beep*)
Go! (* beep*)
Speak! (* beep*)
Elucidate! (* beep*)

You’re probably not going to be so brief, but I sometimes yearn for such brevity when I encounter audio voicemail greetings such as these:

Thank you for calling Company X. We offer highly professional customer service throughout all our service centers located in North America, Europe and Southern Asia. Forbes Magazine has rated Company X #1 in service excellence and customer satisfaction. Every day we try and bring excellence to help you…

If you are a company, please don’t do this! Remember, telephone conversations go directly into my head and such incessant talk gives me a major migraine. Oh, I almost forgot the ever-so-annoying-enumerated-phone-message-greeting; here is one I used to use as my contribution to general annoyance:

If you want to hear Zeno’s superior wisdom, press 1.
If you want me to remind you of your earthling inferiority, press 2.
If you want to schedule a ride in my flying saucer, press 3.
If you want to complement Zeno, press 4.
If you want me to complement you, you have the wrong number.

## The Examples

O.K., what about phone message greetings you can use? Well, I’ve compiled some examples below. (I’ve used Walters’ first name because under no circumstances should I be mistaken as being helpful.)

I’m Robert. How can I help?

Hello, this is Robert. Thanks for calling. How can I help?

Hello, you have reached the office of Robert Walters. I am currently out of the office. Please leave your name and telephone number and I will return your call as soon as I can. If you need immediate help, please contact Zeno[3] or press zero to reach the operator. Thank you.

For home:

Sorry to have missed you. Leave your message after the beep so I can get back in touch with you.

[1] That’s a completely different blog post.
[2] Or is it won’t’?
[3] Oh no you don’t!

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## 30th Birthday Cards I Like

Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
C. S. Lewis

“You can’t trust anyone over thirty.” We’ve all heard that one, right? So if this is true, the age of 30 is the final demographic that can be trusted. Just add a year and it is prevarication city. (If you don’t know what prevarication means, that’s your problem—this isn’t my language!)

I found a rather earnest level of anxiety throughout birthday cards for 30-year-olds. Apparently, it’s highly desirable to be in one’s 20s. I’ve noticed a constant theme where there is trauma as one turns from 29 to 30. This seems ludicrous to me. We two-billion-old space dudes were barely newborns when at thirty. To me, thirty seems blissfully young.

Anyway, although it is all about me, I will devote some “Zeno time” toward 30-year-olds. So here is what some 3oth birthday cards are saying:

Here’s to me, 30 and still sexy.

I’ll be thirty when I feel like it.

Here’s to turning thirty![1]

I’m not 30… I’m 29 2.0.

What happens on my 30th birthday party stays a secret (at least until we recover).

Now that I’m thirty, I take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

## More Cards

You’re 30 today? You don’t look any older than you did yesterday.

If any card proves my point about leaving the youthful 20s, it is this card. Sure you may be 30 and have left your friends behind age-wise, but you certainly don’t look like you left your 20s. A nice sentiment, but I’m afraid groundhogs are not known for really knowing what they are talking about. As of this writing, your most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, only has an accuracy rate of 39% when predicting the weather. But if you are giving this card, you don’t need to mention this.

Another Birthday?! If you were a dog, you would be rrrough-ly 133 years old!

Here is another variant on age anxiety. After all, since this dog is well into his 100s in dog years, you, the mere 30 year old, should have the verve of a puppy. Actually, I could do the same thing. Since I am well past my 2 billion mark, I could make you feel really great by tediously droning through all the geological ages I have lived through. Compared to a relic like me that was already pretty old during the Jurassic era, you would feel like a teenager again.

But of course I will do no such thing.

I like this one. It is a variant of the Keep Calm and Carry On poster that was used in 1939 when Britain entered the Second World War. And frankly, what else can you do.? Time’s arrow pushes us forward whether we like it or not. But remember, life has many adventures yet to offer that only those untrustworthy people over thirty can handle.

[1] Shows a drunk man. Still thinking like 21-year-old birthday cards?

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## 21st Birthday Cards Reviewed

The twenty-first birthday seems to be quite an event. In fact, a certain molecule is now very important to these young earthling adults:

Recognize it Mr. 21 year old? It is now legal for you to place significant quantities of this substance in your body. In fact, your zeal for absorbing millions of these molecules is so great that some of it will be violently expelled. So what is it?

Alcohol[1].

And what an odd craving it is. Let me be frank with you earthlings: your perspicuity as a species has a lot to be desired. The imbibing of huge quantities of the aforementioned molecule is not at all helpful. It’s almost as if you earthlings want to get more, well, stupid. Now that can’t possibly be true, could it?

As a family cartoon character, I urge moderation when using this substance. You will thank me later as you prevent yourself from being involved in awkward and embarrassing social situations—or the more embarrassing situation of being part of some twisted wreckage from a violent automobile accident. You’re welcome.

The Cards

OK, now for some 21st birthday cards that I’ve encountered. Let me start with one that baffles me:

Now that you’re 21, remember the cake gets lit, not you.

So people who are 21 do not have the optical and cognitive skills to differentiate between a candle and a human? The educational system is really falling apart on your planet. Even worse, imagine if I encounter a match bearing 21-year-old. If you recall, growing out of my head are antennae that could easily be mistaken as candles just waiting to be lit. So perhaps the birthday card company can issue a card saying:

Now that you’re 21, remember the cake gets lit, not Zeno.

I like this card on the left because I like Zebras. Also reminds me of a joke:

Q: What did the earthling name his pet zebra?
A: Spot!

You’re 21, don’t forget your key!

So apparently this card recipient spent many years as a latch key kid, letting himself into the house after school while his parents were still at work. Now during his 21st birthday celebration, he is embarrassingly reminded of a constant failing that plagued his childhood. I say good: cards like this only makes my job of pointing out earthling faults easier.

The inside flap of the above card reads:

…but did anyway! Happy Birthday!

Ah, the joy of defying authority. Because you earthlings are hierarchical obsessives, you must always be jockeying for power. And that means messing with people you think have an edge over you. Well my dear earthling, enjoy the revolution now because one day you are certain to be some space alien’s happy meal in the future. Just ask Stephen Hawking.

That’s it for now. Next post we deal with the 30-year-olds. See you then.

[1] Actually Ethanol. But that’s the stuff put in alcoholic drinks.

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## 1st Birthday Wishes

It’s been so long since I was one year old. I am after all 2 billion years old. You could say my birthday past is the combination of epochal and geological and glacial ages. I feel old just thinking about it as no doubt you do plodding through all those adjectives. Suffice it to say it has been a long time since I heard any 1st birthday wishes directed my way.

But here on Earth, there are some very new earthlings who just completed their first journey around the sun. Granted it’s a lot easier on planet Earth than on a sputtering flying saucer (badly needs a tune-up), but I congratulate the little tykes anyway. After all, they spent most of that trip in a crib which is not very conducive for traveling long distances.

An earthling at one is at the beginning of his or her intellectual development: the creature just sits there and has a grand old time just taking it all in. So of course the first year birthday party is really for the adults. Sure the baby gets lots of attention and love (working on that concept…), but any wishes of any philosophical flavor will fly over the baby’s head like a jar of baby food launched in an infantile fit of pique.

## Some 1st Birthday[1] Wish Examples

So I reviewed your earthling literature and found some wise sayings that you adults should absorb for the occasion. After all, the first trip around the sun is quite an event:

A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on. — Carl Sandburg

We’re all born bald, baby. — Telly Savalas

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half. — Gracie Allen

Having a baby dragged me kicking and screaming from the world of self-absorption. — Paul Reiser

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new. — Sammy Hager

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.” — Sam Levenson

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust. — Jarod Kintz

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday. — Jarod Kintz

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday[2]. — Stephen Wright

## My Two Cents

In closing, let me leave birthday wish from me[3]:

Take it from someone like me: being on planet Earth is a blast. I wish you many happy returns, little one!

[1] The first birthday could be when you were born or when you are one, depending how you look at it. I found quotes for both occasions.

[2] This isn’t about a first birthday but I had to throw that in!

[3] But don’t tell the others I said something nice about Earth—I have a reputation to uphold!

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You know, I always had limited respect for the Homo sapiens that seem to populate the internet. Believe me, just the comments left behind on blogs are enough to condemn the species. (Is spell check banned from blog comment sections? Just asking.)

But a new low comes into play when one searches for “Funny gifts for Men” on Google. Go ahead, do a search. I’ll wait…

Back so soon? Had enough? Can you say “scatological”?

What a grim tour through this very low common denominator of humanity! I, very much the male, see no utility in drinking from a coffee cup shaped like a toilet or carrying around synthetic excrement in a can. I’m positive if there were something funny in such things, my scintillating intellect would certainly let me know and I would grant you the privilege of a hearty guffaw. So since I have something called “taste”, I will filter out the dross and seek out for you some tamer funny gifts for men.

## Tamer Funny Gifts for Men

First, unlike earthlings, I am not at all shy about self promotion. After all, I am superior and the longer you are in my presence, the better for you! So if you want a funny gift—and not just for men—get the book starring moi: The Lunar Antics Presents: Boy, I’d Hate To Be Made Out Of That Stuff! Great deals can be found on Amazon.

And how about this for fun, a runaway alarm clock? I am not a morning person (or frankly any other kind of person since I am a cartoon) and I have real difficulty waking up. You know, the alarm goes off and you hit the “snooze” button and before you know it you’ve missed your appointment on Alpha Centauri. (By the way, doesn’t the snooze button undermine the whole concept of an alarm clock? Do alarm clock makers have a sinister reason for you to miss your appointments? Inquiring minds and all that.)

But with this baby here, the alarm clock won’t sit still. When the clock goes off, it’s off to the races since you have to chase the clock to turn it off. And of course with all that running, you are now wide awake and ready to do the carpe diem thing. I also have a moving alarm clock but it uses little jets instead and that pesky thing really moves. My mornings are now quite eventful.

This car dashboard mounted “monster” pictured at the left seems to amuse males of your species as it bobbles up and down. What’s odd to me is that this thing looks like my cousin Jed who is on vacation in some alternate universe or other. I always told him he should model. Apparently he did. Good for cousin Jed.

Last but not least is the instant excuse ball. It’s like the Magic Eight Ball that purportedly tells you the future, but instead comes up with excuses such as jury duty or the dog ate it. Humans have reported this as a fun ice breaker at parties or a conversation piece at work. Of course you have no excuse for being earthlings so don’t look for one in this gadget.

That’s it, time to go. It’s time to make my excuse and depart. Let’s check the excuse ball. Ah yes, abducted by aliens. Very fitting. Bye.

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## Funny Birthday Wishes for Friends

I don’t have friends: I have colleagues. Possessing a superior mind is a by definition a lonely existence. I mean, who can understand what I am going through since I function at a much higher level than everyone else? (And that of course means you, dear reader.) But I will try and walk another light year in someone else’s shoes to see why anyone would want to compose humorous birthday wishes.

Now from what I understand, the concept of a birthday wish is that if you successfully blow out all the candles on your birthday cake, your wish will come true. Isn’t that what you earthling psychologists consider “magical thinking?” Or am I missing some incredibly cause and effect that you earthlings have put together that is somehow eluding my aforementioned superior mind? For example, by blowing out all the candles on your birthday cake, you change the air pressure in the room,

which in turn changes the air pressure outside,
which in turn cascades into a healthy gust,
which in turn blows the papers off  your boss’s patio table 5 miles away,
which in turn the papers land on your boss’s lap,
which in turn the top paper happens to be your latest proposal,
which in turn is seen by your boss,

which in turn inspires your boss to give you a raise,

which in turn happened to be your birthday wish.

I don’t mean to be insulting (O.K., I really do mean to be insulting), but you earthlings really couldn’t put something like that together. Magical thinking it is.

And another thing, you’re not supposed to tell anybody or the wish doesn’t come true. I don’t get that not telling anyone bit; will the knowledge of the contents of your wish interfere with it coming true? In the above example, would other people in the room knowing your wish prevent the necessary air pressure to do its “magic.”? Again, earthling ludicrousness.

## “Hilarious” Birthday Wishes

So if you earthlings are mum about birthday wishes, how is anyone supposed to know the types of things people wish for? We really don’t. If I had to guess, it’s the usual family-work-money thing that earthlings obsess about. If people had any sense, they would wish for more important things (like I would) such as wishing that no more asteroids would hit earth (I miss those down-to-earth dinosaurs) or that the speed of light would be just a little bit faster. But that’s just me.

But the funny birthday wishes I can report are those that I’ve seen hurled at birthday celebrants as they prepared to blow out the candles on their cake:

If you’re smart, you’ll wish for more wishes.

Be careful what you wish for: it may come true.

A lighter? We’re going to need a flamethrower to light up your candles.

You better blow out all those candles before the sprinkler system gets going.

The more candles, the bigger the wish.

Don’t blow out the candles yet. The gentle glow takes years off your looks!

Better blow out those candles before you forget why you’re here.

So use these at your own discretion, but please leave my name out of it. I find it weird that people take pleasure in pointing out the cruel effects of time during a time of celebration. Such “funny” happy birthday wishes are a human thing which I’m still struggling to understand.

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## What Music Was Played in Family Guy’s Episode “Brian’s Play”?

That, dear earthling, was Mozart’s Symphony #29, K. 201, the extremely effective accompaniment to Brian’s increasing agitation as he absorbs the genius of Stewie’s play. The autograph score resides in New York City’s Pierpont Morgan Library, an interesting coincidence since much of the show takes place in New York.

The 17-year-old Mozart wrote the symphony around 1773-1774. Unfortunately, I wasn’t with Mozart at the time but was on another continent attending “Tea Parties” and cool things like Continental Congresses. Oh well, too bad one can’t be everywhere. (Unless, of course, I invent cloning. If I do, I’ll instruct one of the clones to do a blog about it.)

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## Moving Clip Art and No, I’m Not Jealous

One of my disappointments in life is that I don’t move. I’ve been after Walters to get me to move, but as always he claims to have other “priorities.” So when it came to my attention that clip art can actually move, I became quite despondent. Oh, the injustices of life! Clip art, the most generic and, I might add, the lowest on the social ladder (as I mentioned earlier), is granted the gift of movement. It’s so unfair!

How It works

When these little animated fellows came to my attention, I want to know how these guys work. How do they do that? Maybe I can learn.

Apparently, only GIF[1] files only get to move like this. An animated GIF file is not just one picture, but has lots of pictures called frames. Once the browser gets its little virtual hands on such a GIF file, it dutifully puts one frame on top of another. This then gives the illusion of motion to earthling eyes.

In fact, there is no limit in the specification on how many frames can be used. You could make a mini-movie if you wish. Of course, what happens is that the file gets very big and it becomes expensive for the server who has to supply the bandwidth costs. As in all the universe, if often comes done to money.

Really Long Moving Clip Art

I wanted to place such a really long GIF on this page and I would also like to say that Walters is too cheap to put a bandwidth eating graphic on the website. But I can’t say that since what really happened was that the file was too big to upload—Darn! So click here to see it. (You have to scroll down a bit.) The animated clip art goes on for a minute and half and is quite entertaining. And of course it’s filled with the weaponry you earthlings claim to hate but love to put in your entertainment.

Short and Sweet

This reminds me of one of Zed’s science experiments. He’s into chemistry and hopes one day to find a cure for reality television. Good luck with that.

We talked about this before. So now even cats, who don’t really have opposable thumbs, are now proudly displaying opposable thumbs. Will it ever end?

Ah, the banana. Its skin is apparently the funniest biodegradable substance there is. Earthlings find it funny when one member of their species slips and falls. For some reason, though, the frivolity evaporates when a lawyer is present.

If you want more moving clip art go here.

So maybe one day Walters, who I know reads this blog, will one day make me a moving clip art image. I won’t be exactly holding my breath for this to happen, but since I am static, this, unfortunately, is exactly what I will be doing…

[1] GIF stands for graphic interchange format. Are you happy now?

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## Windows Clip Art, Clip Art for Mac and Even Google Clip Art

Having antennae, I’m always connected to a wireless connection somewhere. You say that the vast majority are password protected and can’t be used? And I say, give me a break (Odd expression. There’s nothing I want in my body broken…). Do you think your earthling encryption is any match for my overwhelming intellect? I thought not. By the way, you wouldn’t believe how many people use the word “password” as their password. Unreal.

So, some earthlings may ask, what operating system runs you? This makes me laugh since I must patiently answer “neither.” When it comes to dealing with operating system stuff, I wing it—I decode it on the fly.

Now why am I telling you all this? Because clip art is like me; both are operating system neutral. Despite some confusion out there, clip art doesn’t care which operating system it os on. In fact, that is how I operate. My cartoon image appears on your screen whether it’s a Mac or a PC or whatever hand held device you happen to be using[1]. Clip art comes in a multitude of formats (GIF, JPG, TIFF, etc.). Once in a format, say GIF, it can be read by computers. I think the terms Mac clip art or Windows clip art are relics of a past age.

Before the Internet (I mean, how did you earthlings survive?), clipart arrived on diskettes, then CDs. At that point in time, operating systems really mattered. A Mac can only read CDs formatted for Macs and Windows had their own formatting affectations. So you had to make sure to ask for Mac clip art or Windows clip art or you would get stuck with a mini, aerodynamically challenged Frisbee. But still differences in spite of the standardizing force of the Internet.

## Clip Art for Mac

Confusion seems to occur because of the Pages application used on the Mac. It consists of a series of templates that contain clip art. But where are the clip art images? Well look no further. Follow these steps and you’ll see how much clip art is already on your Mac computer:

a)     Open the Applications folder.
b)     Open the iWork folder.
c)      Right click on Pages and select Show Package
Contents
. A new window called Contents will open.
d)     Then Contents -> Resources -> Templates -> Shared.
e)     The images will be in the Shared folder.

## Windows Clip Art

Since Windows is used so often, any clip art is just gonna work, it’s that simple. A great place is to visit is openclipart.org.